Silence

What is the use of words..when they have no ears to fall upon..

Endless, meaningless words, sentences,conversations…

Have you met silence yet?

She is like that old friend that you cannot decide whether to like or not..

She is a loner, she stands apart from the crowd,

She doesn’t know how to mingle or socialize

But she knows you and she somehow slides back in your routine..every time you don’t know where to go

She seems cold..a little standoffish

But when she holds your hand..she doesn’t let go till you do,

She becomes what you want her to be,

Shares your tears and laughter as you wish,

She can bring back glimpses of you in a sudden montage..

Sher can paint on your empty canvas or wash out the colours you don’t like….

You rave and rant and go on with those words..

But if you try and listen, she speaks…

Have you spoken to your silence yet?

New Lesson Learnt

I had a weird experience last night.

I am usually a person who HATES arguments. Hate it so much that I can stop talking for hours..hate it so much that I can be angry with a person for days..hate it so much that I can build an opinion about you.

But argument, in some disguise or the other managed to creep into my “keep conversations simple” life and nestled down in a dark corner, from where I could feel that it’s there, at the same time ignoring its presence.

So when it bared its fangs and stared right at my face..I would cry like a fool, scream like a mad woman or shut up completely. And the next thing you know, pretend that it never happened. All this fuss because, the source that brought this vice..well I had lost my heart to it long long back.
What do I do? I can’t argue. I can’t not argue and agree to everything. I don’t have the skill but I’m not ready to just turn into still waters where you throw in all the goodies of the world (or rubbish for that matter). Because, one thing that I know and believe is, if you accept without putting up a fight..you hate yourself and you hate who makes you accept. So I decided to try.

Which led to last night. Topic being simple yet complicated. Which of 2 states – UP & Rajasthan have better “Ghewar “– what is the general perception and what is the personal perception. What it led to was an hour long loud decibel argument to the effect of majority saying something means they are right against if you don’t agree with the majority that’s OK, as it’s a personal perception. Then it went on to examples of personal versus general perception of Biriyani from Lucknow against Biriyani from Maharashtra (I personally thought that example was an invalid one and should have been ruled out at source but sometimes you have to just play along). A very low blow was metted out to me by bringing in the example of fish prep of Bengal and the same from Delhi and again with Khichdi of Bengal against that of UP (verbatim “what if I say Khichdi from Bengal is disgusting and I find UP Khichdi better”) but as they say all lines of argument (even if logic goes out of the roof) are fair in love and war..don't know about love, you are at a loss if you can’t believe that when at war.

Yes, you might have just thought that these are actually tangential topics and definitely do not cross each other’s path. You are right. I am sorry I forgot to mention the foreplay to this romantic setting was a LOT of alcohol.

So tempers flew, voices rose. For the first time, I refused to give up. I refused to give in. it led to a new weirdness, I guess it’s occurrence happens when two people who never fight actually fight/argue in raised voices.

But the best part was, when it was over, it was just over (at least that’s what it seems like, i'll add more to this post if it turns out otherwise). There was no love lost over it and there was no conversation or embarrassment about the extremely illogical incident. This made me realize that I don’t hate arguing, I hate it if it comes with baggage. And I think I’m blessed to know there still are people in this world who think you can just argue and let go. 

New lesson learnt. Will be applied in real life with great gusto :) 

Overwhelmed

Its not the heart-melting feeling you get when you see a puppy..Its the soft feeling of amazing wonder when you look at a sun kissed lush green field after the first rain.

I’m talking about relationships here. The one thing that I probably give too much importance to.

But unfortunately, in my mind relationships are depicted in a very skewed manner. If I draw the most critical one word conclusion about the various relationships, then parents mean responsibility, siblings mean support, lovers mean pain and friends …they mostly mean a feeling that I have missed out on. It gives me that feeling, like when you look at something from beyond a glass wall and feel like you are a part of it.. but not quite.

And then I met some new people – who represent irony in every form possible. Habits, ideas, likes and dislikes, religion, background, everything is different. Common bond? Years of togetherness. Common Trait? Compassion. Common Wish? Laughter
It could be a mis-pronounced word. It could be an overturned ashtray. It could be some weird comment. It would be enactment of a school teacher. It could be obscene dancing to an irritating song. Anything, everything as well as nothing can be a reason to laugh.

However it’s not all fun. Tempers can fly high every now and then, and there is hardly ever an attempt to just let it be. People do not believe in compromising here. They can scream and abuse each other this instant while they can sit together and share a cigarette in the very next one. They can make fun of each other in the meanest manner possible and fight with every other person to back each other up.
All this comes from the fact that they seem to believe they can always work it out.

And that kind of proves that it is that easy to build happiness. And it also makes me feel how hard it is for so many people to match footsteps for every bit of the way. Its that miniscule a task to care for people and its equally mammoth a task to take care of them.

As I stand behind the glass wall.. I get this feeling of amazement like never before. A feeling of being thankful for experiencing something you had heard about but never really knew existed.
An overwhelming feeling of optimism that says everything can still be all right. Life still has some good things in store. And love..its the only essence of living.


Cheers guys! You are simply the awesomest :)

One Fine Morning

The thoughts that made me smile all of a sudden were those silly things that a persn might not notice in another person till they actually sit back n think. Actual thots were about the way a person walked like it were a parade at every hour of the day. The way he just refuses to try n imitate or adapt the ways that others follow to be sophisticated or cool or impressive….in short to blend in. yet the same person can be adorable to all those other people who are round the clock trying to blend in….n they adore him because of those heart breaking yet inimitable ways. The idea or declaration of never giving in or never changing by that person and yet doing so so much different from who they are as a person that it surprises even an amoeba like me.
The idiosyncrasies of the joint hiccups and burps…all the time, everytime. The weirdness of being in love with smilies and making new ones and naming them….the surprising freshness of suddenly saying something unfathomable…. The repetitive yet endearing (sometimes annoying) habit of offering water every time you are with them and definitely drinkin from the same bottle rite after that.
Bitterness blinds you. Binds you from reaching out to those amazing things even though small happening around you. Stops you from admitting that they are tangible and there is a tiny heart beat in each of those things….creating millions of heart beats around you. No, they are not fragments of a broken heart….they are the several million heart beats that a person can send out for you…like they say….sometimes fragments diminish and dissipate….yet sometimes they add up to an ocean.
One fine morning when I look around my room to find orchids and lilies and jasmine and flowers that I do not even know the name of….i know …change is here…sitting at the foot of my bed smiling in that bright yet non-dazzling manner…the smile that I have only once seen when I have opened my eyes in the morning.

A memory of you

The trains pass by, people not too many
The silence reminds of the cheerful buzz..when you came
The world flashed by in black n white, it stopped for a second,
stopped for us.
A drop of orange spread through the abyss of black..
And the chhatim bloomed happy.
A night and a day to engrave an epic..
Was it true? The reality of the dream...was it real?

The bile rises when i look back now,
The tears soak me through n through,
Im still standing there, the trains pass by,
The haze solidifies and the sun doesn’t pry.

I see your shadow on the crashing waves,
Is it you? or is it me?
It merged, it mingled,
It blended till the end of time..and beyond.

It doesn't smell of the familiar chhatim any more,
It smells of blood, it smells of rust.
The rusty red flows through my veins and vitiates,

Are you listening, darling?

To the hollow footsteps of mine,
On the mud, in the woods,
Crushing the flowers you brought,
Leaving footprints of pain.

The black lightens,
with the darkening of the orange.
And here I am..stuck in limbo,
With the familiar, comfortable grey.

Grey..the one which never once failed me,
The memories, the warmth, the faith of it.
I'm living within the fort of it,till I'm found,
Hunted down....or rescued.

Green...

Green is the colour they say…but what about the shades?There are times it is the meadow green,and then the times it’s the poison colour of jealousy..the layers of it keeps eluding…it exists beneath the skin overflowing and overpowering at the hints dropped by the moods. Be it the happy sunshine day that the open space beckons…the splash of green is there, be it the rainy, drenched heart…the fresh green gushes…when the dark shadow overpowers, it turns to the ghastly sick green…it is underrated at times…with the brilliance of yellow, brightness of red, romance of pink, vastness of blue, strength of black, purity of white, attraction of gold and seduction of silver…but its there always, wrapped away underneath…softly enveloping at times…ominously engulfing in angry waves at times…it depicts life, growth, power and then jealousy, anger, deception… it promises life and yet keeps cunningly scheming..it speaks a language of its own…all of this in an attempt to understand which green paints me right now…it doesn’t reveal itself but doesn’t fade either…it might be a promise, it might be the falsehood of it…

Undefined

I saw the dawn in your eyes,
I saw the night fade away..
Not a name to define it,
Not a promise to hold it strong,
Just the evidence of the moment,
when the universe stood still.

Surreal it was, despite the reality,
the moment gone,but still it lingers..
the silent rain drops,
the blushing dawn,
the undefined feelings,
and us..