Somethings

Sometimes I feel like something is happening around me that I can’t gauge. When I try to imagine what it is, it feels like what a warm blast of air would feel like on my face in Delhi summers, or the way the grass feels in misty evenings, or just a random formation of light generally in green or blue that surrounds me, gives me the chills but makes me feel like I have a secret.

I often want to fall. Like if you are pushed into a swimming pool from a height (have never done that, can only imagine). I feel something rushing from my stomach upto my throat, giving a heady feeling...just thinking about it... these feelings also have that something about them…like something is happening around me…a warm cozy something, i-can’t – breathe something…

I wonder what these somethings would be like, if they were visible. What form, what shape, what colour…soft and serene…callused and harsh, really really dark or pretty ethereal..like people or like objects. How will they respond? Can they touch? Can they smile? Can they look into your eyes?
I just know those somethings keep me sane...they make me like love.

Pain

 

Given that pain itself has a variety of types and degrees, this one is a little beyond my comprehension at least. It just pushes you down, pins you down till you can just not breathe anymore. It appears out of nowhere and just grabs at your throat, closing it down.

What is it? What went wrong? – you ask yourself, knowing that there won’t be an answer, because your brain decided to take a back seat and just go blank the moment there was pain.

You ask yourself again, what am I doing here? What needs to be done? Just remind me…who am I?

You start numbing down further and somehow, just when you least expected, it starts giving you a high. You kind of feel like something is shooting straight from your toes up to your head. It feels like a particle..a glowing shapeless structure that goes through every part of your body and somehow shows you that pain is delicious.

It stops mattering that you have no clue who you are etc. etc. you hardly care any more. The heady sensation that it hurts so much that it blinds out every other semblance of a thought.

Pain…I want to get rid of it and I don’t. I know I can’t find a better drug..ever in my life.

Silence

What is the use of words..when they have no ears to fall upon..

Endless, meaningless words, sentences,conversations…

Have you met silence yet?

She is like that old friend that you cannot decide whether to like or not..

She is a loner, she stands apart from the crowd,

She doesn’t know how to mingle or socialize

But she knows you and she somehow slides back in your routine..every time you don’t know where to go

She seems cold..a little standoffish

But when she holds your hand..she doesn’t let go till you do,

She becomes what you want her to be,

Shares your tears and laughter as you wish,

She can bring back glimpses of you in a sudden montage..

Sher can paint on your empty canvas or wash out the colours you don’t like….

You rave and rant and go on with those words..

But if you try and listen, she speaks…

Have you spoken to your silence yet?