RAIN

Somethings

Sometimes I feel like something is happening around me that I can’t gauge. When I try to imagine what it is, it feels like what a warm blast of air would feel like on my face in Delhi summers, or the way the grass feels in misty evenings, or just a random formation of light generally in green or blue that surrounds me, gives me the chills but makes me feel like I have a secret.

I often want to fall. Like if you are pushed into a swimming pool from a height (have never done that, can only imagine). I feel something rushing from my stomach upto my throat, giving a heady feeling...just thinking about it... these feelings also have that something about them…like something is happening around me…a warm cozy something, i-can’t – breathe something…

I wonder what these somethings would be like, if they were visible. What form, what shape, what colour…soft and serene…callused and harsh, really really dark or pretty ethereal..like people or like objects. How will they respond? Can they touch? Can they smile? Can they look into your eyes?
I just know those somethings keep me sane...they make me like love.

Pain

 

Given that pain itself has a variety of types and degrees, this one is a little beyond my comprehension at least. It just pushes you down, pins you down till you can just not breathe anymore. It appears out of nowhere and just grabs at your throat, closing it down.

What is it? What went wrong? – you ask yourself, knowing that there won’t be an answer, because your brain decided to take a back seat and just go blank the moment there was pain.

You ask yourself again, what am I doing here? What needs to be done? Just remind me…who am I?

You start numbing down further and somehow, just when you least expected, it starts giving you a high. You kind of feel like something is shooting straight from your toes up to your head. It feels like a particle..a glowing shapeless structure that goes through every part of your body and somehow shows you that pain is delicious.

It stops mattering that you have no clue who you are etc. etc. you hardly care any more. The heady sensation that it hurts so much that it blinds out every other semblance of a thought.

Pain…I want to get rid of it and I don’t. I know I can’t find a better drug..ever in my life.

Silence

What is the use of words..when they have no ears to fall upon..

Endless, meaningless words, sentences,conversations…

Have you met silence yet?

She is like that old friend that you cannot decide whether to like or not..

She is a loner, she stands apart from the crowd,

She doesn’t know how to mingle or socialize

But she knows you and she somehow slides back in your routine..every time you don’t know where to go

She seems cold..a little standoffish

But when she holds your hand..she doesn’t let go till you do,

She becomes what you want her to be,

Shares your tears and laughter as you wish,

She can bring back glimpses of you in a sudden montage..

Sher can paint on your empty canvas or wash out the colours you don’t like….

You rave and rant and go on with those words..

But if you try and listen, she speaks…

Have you spoken to your silence yet?

New Lesson Learnt

I had a weird experience last night.

I am usually a person who HATES arguments. Hate it so much that I can stop talking for hours..hate it so much that I can be angry with a person for days..hate it so much that I can build an opinion about you.

But argument, in some disguise or the other managed to creep into my “keep conversations simple” life and nestled down in a dark corner, from where I could feel that it’s there, at the same time ignoring its presence.

So when it bared its fangs and stared right at my face..I would cry like a fool, scream like a mad woman or shut up completely. And the next thing you know, pretend that it never happened. All this fuss because, the source that brought this vice..well I had lost my heart to it long long back.
What do I do? I can’t argue. I can’t not argue and agree to everything. I don’t have the skill but I’m not ready to just turn into still waters where you throw in all the goodies of the world (or rubbish for that matter). Because, one thing that I know and believe is, if you accept without putting up a fight..you hate yourself and you hate who makes you accept. So I decided to try.

Which led to last night. Topic being simple yet complicated. Which of 2 states – UP & Rajasthan have better “Ghewar “– what is the general perception and what is the personal perception. What it led to was an hour long loud decibel argument to the effect of majority saying something means they are right against if you don’t agree with the majority that’s OK, as it’s a personal perception. Then it went on to examples of personal versus general perception of Biriyani from Lucknow against Biriyani from Maharashtra (I personally thought that example was an invalid one and should have been ruled out at source but sometimes you have to just play along). A very low blow was metted out to me by bringing in the example of fish prep of Bengal and the same from Delhi and again with Khichdi of Bengal against that of UP (verbatim “what if I say Khichdi from Bengal is disgusting and I find UP Khichdi better”) but as they say all lines of argument (even if logic goes out of the roof) are fair in love and war..don't know about love, you are at a loss if you can’t believe that when at war.

Yes, you might have just thought that these are actually tangential topics and definitely do not cross each other’s path. You are right. I am sorry I forgot to mention the foreplay to this romantic setting was a LOT of alcohol.

So tempers flew, voices rose. For the first time, I refused to give up. I refused to give in. it led to a new weirdness, I guess it’s occurrence happens when two people who never fight actually fight/argue in raised voices.

But the best part was, when it was over, it was just over (at least that’s what it seems like, i'll add more to this post if it turns out otherwise). There was no love lost over it and there was no conversation or embarrassment about the extremely illogical incident. This made me realize that I don’t hate arguing, I hate it if it comes with baggage. And I think I’m blessed to know there still are people in this world who think you can just argue and let go. 

New lesson learnt. Will be applied in real life with great gusto :) 

Overwhelmed

Its not the heart-melting feeling you get when you see a puppy..Its the soft feeling of amazing wonder when you look at a sun kissed lush green field after the first rain.

I’m talking about relationships here. The one thing that I probably give too much importance to.

But unfortunately, in my mind relationships are depicted in a very skewed manner. If I draw the most critical one word conclusion about the various relationships, then parents mean responsibility, siblings mean support, lovers mean pain and friends …they mostly mean a feeling that I have missed out on. It gives me that feeling, like when you look at something from beyond a glass wall and feel like you are a part of it.. but not quite.

And then I met some new people – who represent irony in every form possible. Habits, ideas, likes and dislikes, religion, background, everything is different. Common bond? Years of togetherness. Common Trait? Compassion. Common Wish? Laughter
It could be a mis-pronounced word. It could be an overturned ashtray. It could be some weird comment. It would be enactment of a school teacher. It could be obscene dancing to an irritating song. Anything, everything as well as nothing can be a reason to laugh.

However it’s not all fun. Tempers can fly high every now and then, and there is hardly ever an attempt to just let it be. People do not believe in compromising here. They can scream and abuse each other this instant while they can sit together and share a cigarette in the very next one. They can make fun of each other in the meanest manner possible and fight with every other person to back each other up.
All this comes from the fact that they seem to believe they can always work it out.

And that kind of proves that it is that easy to build happiness. And it also makes me feel how hard it is for so many people to match footsteps for every bit of the way. Its that miniscule a task to care for people and its equally mammoth a task to take care of them.

As I stand behind the glass wall.. I get this feeling of amazement like never before. A feeling of being thankful for experiencing something you had heard about but never really knew existed.
An overwhelming feeling of optimism that says everything can still be all right. Life still has some good things in store. And love..its the only essence of living.


Cheers guys! You are simply the awesomest :)

One Fine Morning

The thoughts that made me smile all of a sudden were those silly things that a persn might not notice in another person till they actually sit back n think. Actual thots were about the way a person walked like it were a parade at every hour of the day. The way he just refuses to try n imitate or adapt the ways that others follow to be sophisticated or cool or impressive….in short to blend in. yet the same person can be adorable to all those other people who are round the clock trying to blend in….n they adore him because of those heart breaking yet inimitable ways. The idea or declaration of never giving in or never changing by that person and yet doing so so much different from who they are as a person that it surprises even an amoeba like me.
The idiosyncrasies of the joint hiccups and burps…all the time, everytime. The weirdness of being in love with smilies and making new ones and naming them….the surprising freshness of suddenly saying something unfathomable…. The repetitive yet endearing (sometimes annoying) habit of offering water every time you are with them and definitely drinkin from the same bottle rite after that.
Bitterness blinds you. Binds you from reaching out to those amazing things even though small happening around you. Stops you from admitting that they are tangible and there is a tiny heart beat in each of those things….creating millions of heart beats around you. No, they are not fragments of a broken heart….they are the several million heart beats that a person can send out for you…like they say….sometimes fragments diminish and dissipate….yet sometimes they add up to an ocean.
One fine morning when I look around my room to find orchids and lilies and jasmine and flowers that I do not even know the name of….i know …change is here…sitting at the foot of my bed smiling in that bright yet non-dazzling manner…the smile that I have only once seen when I have opened my eyes in the morning.